A Day in The Life

Another day, another dollar. Another arguement, really.

My cousin said I'm going "back to that place". I fear that she's right. I can't do that though. I can't. I was so far gone, so depressed, so tired of everything. I guess I could actually write that last sentence in present tense. I would rather not. But then I'd be lying to myself. And if you can't be honest with yourself, who the hell can you be honest with?

I haven't been honest with myself at all. I've been lying and cheating myself. I've been insulting my own intelligence. I've been willing myself to feel one way, knowing for damn sure that I feel the complete opposite. I had this friend awhile back who gave me a book called the Shack or something like that - it said something about a Shack and it was about God or Jesus, whomever. Now, she knew I wasn't very religous...not even close so she did warn me it was about God/Jesus, but it wasn't a "shove-religion-down-your-throat" type of book.

She said "Jess, I love you. And I see you in this place and it's not good. It's not you. I want you to read this, and please keep an open mind. Maybe it will give you some sense of solidity, a sense of warmth and belonging."

Believe or not I tried. I tried so freaking hard to read that book and to let something in, anything in. After days of rereading and going back and looking for something that should have clicked, that should have given me chills upon reading it, searching for something to make me believe in anything but the depressed and inevitable end that every life must come to...I found nothing. Absolutely nothing.

How numb am I? How heartless and cold am I to not find a single thing worth believing? I know that I have been through alot in my life and that I'm still going through it, but people have been throguh worse, a whole helluva lot worse and they still believe. They still have this unwavering, unfaltering faith that molds them together, that doesn't let them fall apart at the seams, that keeps them strong against the most terrible of circumstances.

Why can't I have that? Why can't I feel what they feel?

I feel like I'm losing. Losing at what - I don't know, but I'm losing and I don't know how to get back on my feet and continue to try to keep going.

Snowed In.

So I'm snowed in. Today has cost me in more ways than one. Which sucks....really sucks.

I needed to just sleep last night. Christmas was exhausting this year...absolutely exhausting. I felt like I had been running around for weeks on end without sleep. It doesn't help that I got into it last night with J. Ugh.

I got a message this morning saying that my company was closed today. No work = no money. Then I go outside to see the blizzard that had hit us and to my dismay I see a ticket on my car. $100 fine for parking on the street during a snow storm. Livid doesn't even begin to describe how I felt about that. Last year I was the only dumbass to move my car and no one else got a ticket. Living in a place where there is only off street parking sucks for this exact reason - there is no where to put your car when it snows. Apparently, I could have parked it at the park...how the hell was I supposed to know that?

Yes, so today has cost me in more than one way. *sigh* Such is life.

I feel like I have alot to say; there's so much on my mind. I tossed and turned last night, and wasn't able to sleep. I feel strung out - unable to think about one specific thing for too long because my mind keeps skipping around. From work, to when I'm going back to school, to family, to getting out of Connecticut, back to school. It's insane.

I remember being in my Creative Nonfiction Writing class back in CCSU. I was writing a story about meeting my biological mother for the first time. I remember a line:

"I was no longer a cold December river..."

I think it was wishful thinking. I thought by seeing her I wouldn't feel so empty anymore, that I wouldn't be such a cold person and that I could move on and not be so filled with anger all the time. A year after meeting her I think I'm colder than I've ever been. I know for a fact that I'm angrier than I've ever been and the amount of emptiness I feel can't be measured.

Nothing has been resolved. I thought it would have been by now. And nothing has changed. If anything, I can't even stomach the thought of her. This topic is putting me in a bad place...bleh.

Til next time.

A New Beginning - Somewhat...

The cyber world has never been my stranger...in fact we used to be very good friends. Blogging ran a close second. I began writing my first blog when I was about 15. Eight years later I wish I still used that blog - not to still be writing, but moreso that I could look over all the meaningless things I wrote about that, at the time, were of the upmost importance.

I have a feeling that this blog will go on for some time. I'm 23 and have alot of things to say. Actually.... let me rephrase that because had I intended to physically say these things, there wouldn't be a need to write them, would there? Facebook had a blog option...but then too many people were reading my blog, commenting on things that were either very inappropriate to comment on or just not that important to comment on - almost like they felt that saying something was better than saying nothing. Well, it's not - and that's not meanm it's just fact. Taking in what someone says and letting it linger there is most of the time better than fishing for something.

I don't ever know what to write about when I begin a blog...usually I'll ramble for a few paragraphs (see above) and then something will hit me and I'll go on about it for another few paragraphs..and then I will abruptly stop. Not having anything of worth to say I'll stop. The English major in me knows that an abrupt whiplash stop isn't correct, but all the grammar and structure you once learn goes completely out the window when blogging...sometimes...i think?

I know I'll end up on here later...probably adding another post or two. Are blogs supposed to have purposes? Ha. It's like a philosphical question of the cyber age...once upon a time it was a question of whether or not our lives have purpose...weird.

Here comes that abrupt stop.

Til next time.