Another day, another dollar. Another arguement, really.
My cousin said I'm going "back to that place". I fear that she's right. I can't do that though. I can't. I was so far gone, so depressed, so tired of everything. I guess I could actually write that last sentence in present tense. I would rather not. But then I'd be lying to myself. And if you can't be honest with yourself, who the hell can you be honest with?
I haven't been honest with myself at all. I've been lying and cheating myself. I've been insulting my own intelligence. I've been willing myself to feel one way, knowing for damn sure that I feel the complete opposite. I had this friend awhile back who gave me a book called the Shack or something like that - it said something about a Shack and it was about God or Jesus, whomever. Now, she knew I wasn't very religous...not even close so she did warn me it was about God/Jesus, but it wasn't a "shove-religion-down-your-throat" type of book.
She said "Jess, I love you. And I see you in this place and it's not good. It's not you. I want you to read this, and please keep an open mind. Maybe it will give you some sense of solidity, a sense of warmth and belonging."
Believe or not I tried. I tried so freaking hard to read that book and to let something in, anything in. After days of rereading and going back and looking for something that should have clicked, that should have given me chills upon reading it, searching for something to make me believe in anything but the depressed and inevitable end that every life must come to...I found nothing. Absolutely nothing.
How numb am I? How heartless and cold am I to not find a single thing worth believing? I know that I have been through alot in my life and that I'm still going through it, but people have been throguh worse, a whole helluva lot worse and they still believe. They still have this unwavering, unfaltering faith that molds them together, that doesn't let them fall apart at the seams, that keeps them strong against the most terrible of circumstances.
Why can't I have that? Why can't I feel what they feel?
I feel like I'm losing. Losing at what - I don't know, but I'm losing and I don't know how to get back on my feet and continue to try to keep going.
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